How to Divorce

Divorce is not an easy time for any family, but studies have shown the period leading up to the actual divorce can be one of the hardest for kids.

So, how have so many children emerged from divorced homes to become happy, healthy members of society? Their parents put in the time and effort to make it happen.

“The children need to know that they will always come first,” advises Dr. Carole Lieberman, a California psychiatrist who’s a member of the clinical faculty at UCLA. “Both parents — and all their children — need to be there when they break the news of divorce. And the most important messages to communicate are that it is not the child’s fault and that the parents will still always love them.”

Before, during and after the message is broken, parents need to be aware of what they’re saying in front of the kids. A study completed at Cornell University in 2009, found kids in “high-conflict married households” fare no better than kids in single parent households. The researchers linked exposure to parental fighting to poor academic achievement, increased substance abuse and “early family formation and dissolution.” If you can’t get along in front of the kids, try e-mail.

When you’re talking to the kids, Dr. John Mayer, a clinical psychologist from Chicago and author of “Family Fit: Find Your Balance,” says to avoid saying the marriage’s lack of success is “because of the kids or kid’s problems.” Instead, opt for phrasing such as “this will make us better parents, a better mom, a better dad. This is my promise to you children,” Mayer says.

Your emotional state might be fragile, but so is a child’s. A 2001 study from Ohio State University found kids were experiencing problems up to a year before the divorce was finalized. Marriage counseling is now a standard part of the divorce process in many states, but signing kids up for their own counseling sessions is also wise.

Check with your health insurance provider for covered therapy sources or contact the social worker at your child’s school to set up an appointment. Divorce Care 4 Kids offers support groups for children going through a divorce across the U.S., and your child’s school might suggest an alternate near you.

Finally, answer your child’s questions.

“Don’t urge your child to just ‘get over it’,” Lieberman says. “Do not expect the children to just accept this; be patient with all of their follow-up questions, crying and temper tantrums.” Where possible, be as concrete as possible.

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